Us and God

I've always imagined a disapproving look being cast upon me from the heavens when I've been naughty. Sometimes I feel so bad about acting unreasonable or saying something awful that I feel the sky will shake. When I'm ashamed of something bad I've done I avoid the mirror like the plague. I feel like I can't emerge from the lie I just told or the bad thing I just did without having some kind of payback wrought on me. And when something bad happens the next day I think: 'Aha! You see? You reap what you sow.' To my mind, believing such a tit-for-tat relationship between me and God exists is pretty normal. To other people, payback is karma. In any case, it's a mysterious force between evil deeds and bad outcomes.


I assume many people empathize with the feeling that there is a war being waged between oneself and one's behaviour, between oneself and God. Or simply between oneself and onself. Inner conflict is so overwhelming and high-maintenance. Lingering in the background are verses, obligations, judgement, hellfire. You feel cornered. You want to continue in your ways but you know you can't. Some people reject this guilt altogether and accuse God of being a bully. Afterall, who would be so mean as to fry people in the deep-fryer of Hell? So they free their souls of accountability and act freely and do all good in the name of humanity and mother-nature.


But those who are stuck are stuck. Some resist this fear by changing the rules. There is a rule that they intend to never follow and it's sitting there looking them in the eye. So they try to change it or discard it altogether. But for those who want to stay within the bound of faith, there are certain rules - 'fundamentals' - they can't tamper with, so they remain in a state of conflict.


What I want to do is share my experience of partial transition from this state of being to one with more freedom.


Guilt as I know it is crippling. When I feel intensely guilty, I am spurred into inaction. I tell myself there is no point. How can all the good deeds I've done count for anything when I've just done this? What a hippocrit. Do I go for a Holy visit or fast a few extra days to make myself feel better about pushing my luck with those other things? That perhaps, is true. But if I was supposed to be so perfect, then there would be no test, there would be nothing to strive for and there would be no need to exist. Nor would there be a need for judgement. God would not have much to do.



Still, I tell myself that there are things that should just NOT be done. The effects of anger sometimes cannot be undone. The effects of harsh words may never be forgotten. The effects of a heated argument with parents may never go away. The effects of slander may never reside. The effects of murder may linger in the ground. But still, even those, while they leave painful traces on earth, may be forgiven if we catch up with ourselves before it's too late.


If we take the point of departure as justice, and we believe in the fact that we were created by a Creator, then we are basically admitting to the fact that He knows us better than we know ourselves. Our bodies and organs are rented property. If humans have an innate sense of justice, then the One who created them must be Just. So, based on this assumption, we know that He can, indeed should, be at once compassionate and punishing.



A judge has that duty. He sends some people to jail and frees others based on the evidence which they present. Some have committed no crime; they walk. Some are guilty but unintentionally or under some circumstance; they get a shorter sentence. Some are guilty with a shocking and disgusting audacity; he has no choice but to put them in for life. The beauty is that God may even surpass the middle category. Even us guilty folks can be redeemed and walk away unscathed, providing we pursue the road of repentence on a regular basis. Our 'circumstance' which makes our case worth hearing and appealing is that we're human.



But again, some people wonder why there is punishment at all in light of the fact that He is capable of all things, not least forgiveness. But how can one expect forgiveness for one thing or another when they've pursued the evil to their dying breath and have done nothing to stop it? It finally dawned on me that when I wrong myself, it is me punishing myself, because I've continued in my ways despite knowing that it is bad. How can I expect a rosey outcome when I have reaped destruction?



Please don't misunderstand. People always stick to the paradigm of good and evil, Heaven and Hell in black-and-white terms without seeing the merciful grey in the middle. I'm not saying I deserve Hell. I'm not saying I will end up there. I'm simply saying that we quasi-create our own Hell through our own freedom. It can't just be the rule of law stopping us from doing bad things. We may disrespect people or take people's money without ever being held accountable and never intend on undoing what we've done. The imperfections of man-made law and order may not catch it. Is that fair? Is that just to the person who is being put in distress by us? The person wronged has a lawyer, and that lawyer is God.



I have heard time and time again, stories of people who have been failed by the law in both East and West. Either it wasn't enough, or it wasn't existent. They watched as their millions were taken, or as their daughter was raped and murdered, or as their child was 'accidentally' killed, or as they were wrongfully tortured. I trust that these people live with an insurmountable level of trauma, explosiveness and anger that only God can ever tame. That's why He should be The Compeller, The Dishonorer, The Judge, The Just, The Avenger, The Distresser. He fills the holes in our less than perfect system. He helps the helpless who want justice.



To that end, paradoxically, I started being easier on myself. He cannot judge me if I am judging myself. He cannot hurt me if I am being good to myself. He cannot punish me if I liberate myself. He is Just.

If we do not have that warning, that deterrance, we will never have the incentive of being good to ourselves and others. Before understanding myself (and hence God), I felt He was a bit arrogant. But now I understand that He is only arrogant insofar as we are arrogant; He is vengeful insofar as we are vengeful. He keeps us in check. He is Just.



To put this in practical terms, if we don't at least feel that remorse, there is nothing He can or will do to help us. We have rejected our most innate feeling of regret and guilt. How then can we ever know ourselves or know Him? Sometimes just that feeling of remorse can help us off the hook, depending on if it is sufficient to unload that heavy burden we have incurred upon ourselves. It is when we detach ourselves from this feeling of remorse that we have reached the epitomy of arrogance. Only then have we detached ourselves from our essence, our raison d'être. And only then does all Hell break loose.